| Author | Message | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6775 Registered: 11-1998 |
White _________________________________________________
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| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3957 Registered: 07-2003 |
Written with your usual panache M especially enjoyed the end twist. I did wonder if line endings could be strengthened here... and I am seven. My eyelids squint when I look at her, as when I turn on a bathroom light late in the night. not sure about my effort  | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6961 Registered: 07-2001 |
In a beggar’s wish, souls trade. I inhabit the white suit, twirl in the white hat, buckle the delicate straps around clumsy ankles. Strut like Winner’s Circle in ninety-degree heat not breaking a sweat. Clean, crisp, cool. M, a good interesting form, a bit disappointed the final S did not carry it through. I might end on cool, but I never end soon enough. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House Winter 2006 MindFire | ||
| Deborah P Kolodji
Valued Member Username: dkolodji Post Number: 261 Registered: 04-2005 |
I enjoyed this, M - I don't have any constructive comments, just appreciation. Deborah P Kolodji www.livejournal.com/~dkolodji www.kolodji.com Editor, Amaze: The Cinquain Journal Amaze: The Cinquain Journal | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 592 Registered: 01-2005 |
Dear M, A fine poem full of interesting detail. Only one question--shouldn't that be "reeks" instead of "wreaks" in S2,L1? Enjoyed very much, Teresa | ||
| Carol Sanger
Valued Member Username: carolsang Post Number: 147 Registered: 01-2006 |
I liked the 1S best - so brutally white. I couldn't help spilling on her in my mind. Out of place there and in life. My issues - but successful poem. I get it now. Thanks for this. Carol | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1168 Registered: 11-2003 |
Hi M The 1st stanza is a very complete treatment of white Michael (MV) | ||
| Mudcat Miller
Member Username: mudcat Post Number: 79 Registered: 08-2005 |
This unfolded like a film for me, complete with score. And it turned beautifully on "In a beggar's wish, souls trade," about as crisp a pivot line as can be. So good, in fact, I think it all works better without S2 getting in the way. Brilliant poem. | ||
| native dancer
Advanced Member Username: nativedancer Post Number: 402 Registered: 12-2004 |
beautifully done, M, from one who's lost many bet at pimlico and hollywood park and aqueduct and belmont and some others scattered between. somehow, there's always a woman in white, yes? do you think between the teeth might substitute for between each tooth? and you might try "my" clumsy ankles for a stronger pentameter beat. i flat out loved it. and if there is any justice in the world, Driven Snow should have won by a half dozen lengths at least. "brutally" is such a great word here: it reverberates all the way to the finish. (Message edited by nativedancer on March 03, 2006) | ||
| Dan Cox
Valued Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 139 Registered: 08-2005 |
Hi M. I like this a lot, especially the third stanza. reads very nicely aloud. Your imagery is rich and marvelous, but I thought the lists of adjectives at the ends of the first three stanzas were a bit much, but this is really not a big deal. Nice work! Dan | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1941 Registered: 11-2004 |
M~ This line alone is a treasure..."In a beggar’s wish, souls trade". I love this unusual topic. Fine work, as always. take care~dale | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6791 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Zephyr -- thanks so much for the compliment. Yes, I struggled with those lines. Will take another look. Dearest Mr. B -- yep, dropped the form in the last stanza. Was wondering if that would work. Your comment has me pondering an edit that would bring it back. Thanks for mentioning that -- I'm still working on it! Dearest Deborah -- appreciation is not a "just" thing -- it's terrific! Thanks for taking the time to comment. Dearest Teresa -- you got me! I've been working on this poem for twenty years (yes, you heard right -- years, not days or weeks or months). I've had it in so many different configurations -- I think I must have had wreaked havoc in one of the 3,000 versions. Then I changed the wording and forgot to take another look at wreaked! Aaaaaargh! Thanks so much for the catch! Dearest Carol -- I found your comments very intriguing. You read something into this that I didn't know I'd written. At seven, I was consumed by this vision of a woman in white. I wanted to BE her. I never considered she might be snooty and deserving of a little spill. Thanks so much for bringing that to my poem. It expands things nicely! Dearest MV -- so glad to know the white treatment was successful. Should we do one on black now? *smile* Dearest Mudcat -- thanks so much for stopping by and leaving such grand comments. Yep, I can hear the score too. It's haunted me ever since I was seven. So glad to know you think I captured it well. Dearest j -- Yes, always a woman in white. I've begun to believe they are a mirage, something concocted by a romantic mind. They don't get dirty, they don't sweat, they obviously aren't human. Thank you for the suggestions. I believe you are right about those. And thanks for picking up on the significance of "brutally" -- I'd hope the word would have that effect. Ah, if I remember correctly, Driven Snow was one of the also rans. And no magic transformation happened for this awkward seven-year-old. Another two dollars wasted on a wish. *sigh* I always picked the horses based on some stupid, intuitive feeling. It used to drive Uncle Ray, who practically ingested the racing forms and papers and had personal relationships with the jockeys, crazy. He used to say, "Little girl -- that horse ain't never comin' in." I rolled my eyeballs at him one time when Uncle Ray's horse had a heart attack coming out of the gate. Dropped dead right on the track. It was unbelievable. Uncle Ray lost hundreds on that bet, I think. I loved Uncle Ray -- he was an old-time horse race guy. They don't make 'em like him anymore. Dearest Dan -- So nice to see you here. Please come back to Wild more often. Yeah, those adjectives at the end may work, may not. I was giving something new a try. I will continue to consider them. Dearest Dale -- thanks so much for reading me. I was wondering whether that line would work or not -- I based it on "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride." So glad to know you thought it did. True story, folks, twenty years in the making. I still don't think I have it exactly right, but I'm glad I shared it. You have given me some great thoughts and good directions. You are the best and I'd definitely bet on all of you! Much Love to All, M | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2920 Registered: 08-2003 |
Dearest M, How intriguing. On first read I had a picture of Nurse Ratchid from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest until I got to S2. There is something clinical in her appearance. A cutting presence for me. Your language is delicate and precise and I am coming to know your signature. How about switching S3 and S4? Can't the uncle come before the final strophe? Since this poem is 20 years old, you may have already tried that but this is my first read and I shouted "finish with the cool babe!" xo E | ||
| Jeffrey S. Lange
New member Username: runatyr Post Number: 49 Registered: 10-2005 |
Hi M, I'm a fan of the fourth stanza in particular, I love the image of Uncle Ray pushing your glasses back up your nose. And as a lifetime wearer of 'em, I know the feeling exactly. ;) Great piece! ~Jeff "I had a lover's quarrel with the world." ~Robert Frost | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 4113 Registered: 07-2002 |
M--I swear you do this on purpose--post so rarely that reading one of yours is like coming to a hidden spring after thirsting in a desert. This could be a primer on the use of image, sound, rhythm, and line breaks. Just look at the opening: The woman is brutally immaculate -- white suit, white hat, white shoes – and I am seven. Read it aloud and listen to the way the rhythm invites you into the memory. Well done through and through, M. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6804 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest E -- It's so intriguing that you saw Nurse Ratched. I wasn't thinking of her, but it fits. That's what I love about perceptive readers like you -- they bring much more to a piece than the author could ever have imagined. Interesting suggestion you've made about flipping those two verses. I understand how you'd want the more pleasant image at the end, but I'm thinking that leaving the reader to decide whether the horse (and the wish) ever came in might allow more interpretations. You know me -- I just can't write happy poems. *LOL* Thanks so much for the comments, dear. Dear Jeffrey -- glad the piece worked for you, fellow glasses wearer. I wore them when I was little and someone was forever pushing them back up my nose. Luckily I have contacts now. But I wear sunglasses all the time -- on the tip of my nose, of course! *LOL* Your comments were gracious and a joy to read. Thank you. Dearest Lisa -- You make me blush.  Thanks so much for the glorious kudos. If I can please you with a piece of work, I've done well. I wish I could post more, but as you can see, these damn poems take me too long to write! *LOL* Much Love to All, M | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1992 Registered: 12-2003 |
M, Well done as usual. Jim My Books Loch Raven Review Editor Trakl Translations | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 3066 Registered: 12-2003 |
M, you've captured the daydream of a 7 yr old well. I see an awkward girl wanting to be a princess, not realizing the personality behind all that white. Enjoyed the read. K | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 763 Registered: 08-2004 |
M, This is really good. I love the hauntyness (wink)of the memory coming across in the older child's voice. Which, by the way, makes you 27, right? Really, a wonderful read, that kept me involved till the end. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6832 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Jim -- and as usual, I thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. It makes me feel good knowing that you are out there. Dearest Kathy -- Many thanks from the 7-year-old. She's still inside me somewhere. Wanted to be a high-fashion model, though, not a princess. Or is that the same thing? Yep, I think it is!*LOL* Dearest Karen -- Yep, 27. You lie and I'll swear by it, OK? *LOL* So glad you enjoyed the read as I so admire your work. Much Love to All, M | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1585 Registered: 11-2003 |
I like this alot the connectiveness with each strophe unto itself very good I am with Dale, I wish I'd written that line. peace laurie | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6866 Registered: 11-1998 |
Dearest Laurie -- thanks so much for stopping by to give me a read. I am so appreciative of the effort it takes for you to do that given your health. If I could write even one line that you approve of, I'm doing good! Thanks! Love, M |
